What are the building blocks of a good friendship? In my terms; an open letter to all my friends:

A friend sticks closer than a brother. They are the family we get to choose. I don’t say these things lightly and neither do I hand out my friendship like candy to trick or treaters, it’s special. Or at least I think it is. A friendship by definition is a two way relationship where hopefully both individuals are able to learn and grow from each other and hopefully both individuals are on an equal footing to begin with. This is, however, not always the case. 

In all friendships an automatic power dynamic is established. One becomes the alpha and the other the beta. This isn’t negative at all, it’s just generally how things are. In most instances these alpha/beta roles are revered often depending on the individual strengths that each party brings to the table. The transactional dimension in a healthy friendship is dynamic and changes as each situation changes. That is the beauty of it all! 

What happens though when the power dynamic seems to be stuck in one power stance over a period of time? I truly believe that those are the first signs of the degradation of a friendship and if you are not careful to pick this up you may not be able to remedy things in time to save the friendship. That is always the ultimate win win situation where both parties are able to see the flaw, address it and move forward. 

I typically am faced more often than not with two distinct flaws that I tend to let fester over a period of time. Not because I am unaware of the shift in dynamic, but more because I hope that the other person will also pick this up and we can naturally come back into balance. Some friendships are easier than others and I guess the longer you know your friend, the easier it is to remedy. 

Scenario A: where I am stuck in the alpha role for too long. While it’s all very exciting and flattering at the beginning, being the alpha all the time becomes draining and exhausting. Sometimes the beta friend is unable to see their effect on you, as they are wrapped up in receiving all the benefits of having an alpha around. An alpha usually takes the lead, ensures that the beta is protected and maybe even acts as a gatekeeper for the friendship warding off any threats. To be an alpha in an equal friendship for too long, inevitably leads to feeling wrung out, like you have nothing left to give. This in turn leads to resentment and an unhealthy expectation which when unfulfilled could cause disappointment or even feelings of bitterness for perceived negligence! Ever feel like you’ve been taken advantage of? Maybe this is just your perception and your friend may have all good intentions and not even be aware that you feel this way. 

Scenario B: where I am stuck in the beta role for longer than is necessary. We all love being doted on, cared for and taught new things. There is nothing more rewarding than a friendship that allows you to learn new ways of approaching things. I must say, however, that being stuck in a beta role for too long often makes me feel less than what I’m capable of. I am no longer accountable for my actions and needing to remedy my mistakes which are necessary for personal growth as my alpha partner takes care of everything, ultimately making me feel like I have nothing to contribute which is of value. It then becomes a parent child scenario, which, let’s face it, is not what a friendship is meant to be about. 

After much consideration and introspection today, I have come to realise that I have been in beta mode for a period of time now. Yes it has its comforts but it’s also opened a doorway for input that under normal circumstances would not be seen as acceptable. Regardless of what the intentions were of the actions, sometimes what iv allowed is just unacceptable as a person and equal stakeholder within the friendship. 

There are lines in the sand that each friendship has. Respect, trust, honesty. But when those lines are crossed it seems almost impossible to continue, and yet we do. At which point do we switch from beta to alpha again? Is this even possible in such a scenario? Should the dynamic switching of positions not be case dependent and therefore a constant exchange of power? That seems more natural to me. Yes, from time to time when a friendship hits a brick wall we need to step back, assess and then do the necessary to get things back on track, however, this is where I am stuck. 

I have a lot of quality friendship to give. I have room in my life and heart to receive quality friendship in return. I do have to draw the line at: 

* reporting back on my personal life. 

* explaining actions that are ultimately in my best interest. 

* defending things that do not require any defense at all. In fact, some things are so personal I choose not to share them with anyone. So then to need to defend and “please explain” just rubs salt in the wounds. 

I love all my friends dearly. But I implore you, please, stick to your lane. Have enough faith and trust in me as the person you respect, love and trust as your equal that although I may not discuss everything with you before I do it (I don’t have to, I’m an adult individual) I generally have a reason, plan or purpose. Even if you do not agree with any of those let’s just put it down to respect. It is not your place to judge, question or demand explanations. Your place is as my friend. And while I treasure your friendship, please know that this constant need for me to explain is becoming tiring and draining. That is all.